Will you just pick a freaking venue already???
In the words of the Jewish sages whose works I have been reading over the past months- "Oy vey!" Wow, who'd have thought having a traditional Jewish wedding in Texas would be this difficult? Difficult is the wrong word...Impossible is more like it! In the past six months, we have moved the wedding from Dallas to Austin, and finally, to New York. In doing so, we have managed to piss off just about every member of both of our families- what fun! Let me tell you of the story of the Spring and Summer of '05...
It was a lovely day in Dallas. Birds were chirping, the sky was blue, and Harry Hines Boulevard was lacking the usual crowd of prostitutes looking for a John. That's right- we almost had our wedding in the midst of Hooker Central at the Wyndham Anatole. It's a great hotel, but not such a nice part of town. I'm glad we didn't do it there, even if the hotel did boast the largest piece of Wedgewood in the world. Really, who cares? Oooh, its a big freaking piece of china. Well, the ballroom was pretty at least. The hotel was much too convention center-esque for my taste. This would be great for our guests who wanted to drop by the Annual Meeting of the Society for Medical Conditions only Lauren and Dwight Can Pronounce on their way to the wedding, and I imagine we might actually have lost Lauren and my dad to one of those, but not so nice, so the Wyndham was nixed.
Then came the Fairmont. Ah, the Fairmont. Yeah, we didn't even make it to the property before they told us they don't like our kind (that is, our last name was not Bush or Perot). So much for that one.
We also looked at the Adolphus. This one would have been great, except that it was where I had my high school prom. While I probably could have gotten past this, we just ended up dropping it because around this time, Kenny and I had an idea that almost caused Armaggedon (Armaggedon being Kenny and I eloping, but in our parents' eyes, the END OF THE WORLD!!!!). We decided to do the wedding in Austin. Oh yeah. Bring it on.
So we found a great place in Austin called Laguna Gloria. It was, and still is, the most beautiful outdoor space I have ever seen. I will have a party there one day. I will. And it will be fabulous.
Anyway, along the way of our Metroplex hotel hunt, we found this Kosher caterer in Dallas who was going to do the catereing at whatever hotel we found up there. He will be referred to as "He Who Shall Not Be Named." He Who Shall Not Be Named told us he'd come to Austin and do our wedding here, so no need to find another caterer. Yay! Or so we thought...
As with other evil characters throughout history, He Who Shall Not Be Named dangled a tempting offer before us: "I will cater your wedding, providing a cocktail hour with appetizers and a three course seated dinner." So we hunted around town for a hotel that would allow an outside caterer to come in. This was not an easy task, as most hotels have their own in house people and therefore won't let someone else in. Or perhaps they could sense the evil of He Who Shall Not Be Named...If I had only had a disfiguring scar that would have alerted me to his true nature, things might have been different.
Before we knew of He Who Shall Not Be Named's bad inclinations, we were told by the Four Seasons here in Austin that they could provide a Kosher wedding for us. Wow! But oh no! He Who Shall Not Be Named had already sunk his claws into us and had begun to feed on our souls... Anyway, we felt we had made a commitment to He Who Shall Not Be Named, so we told the FS 'no,' much to our dismay.
Then came a wonderful, but at the time aggravating, moment. He Who Shall Not Be Named sent us the contract. It was one page, and did not contain a price. As a lawyer, let me just say "wow." I've kept it on hand just in case I ever want a really quick 'out' of my job- I'll just hand that sucker over to our client and pass it off as my work product. I'd get fired pretty quick, and thus would end my legal career in Texas.
So Kenny and I tried and tried, for months on end, to get a better contract from He Who Shall Not Be Named. Or at least something that was two pages. The closest we got was an actual price per head, but it was so low we figured there were lots of add-ons that he wasn't including, and still no real terms in the contract. We felt it was time to defeat and crush He Who Shall Not Be Named with the purity and goodness that was the Four Seasons. And we did. Until the Four Seasons told us they looked into it and decided they couldn't do a kosher wedding either. Too difficult, too involved. AGGGHHHH!
A fun thing that occurred sometime after we decided to go with the Four Seasons but before they told us they couldn't do it was that we fired He Who Shall Not Be Named. We spoke with his assistant, who should be called She Who Is Without Brain, and she was really shocked that we were cancelling. Really, when someone doesn't call us back for three months and won't send a real contract, what should she expect? A freaking party in her honor? Jeez.
...To Be Continued
It was a lovely day in Dallas. Birds were chirping, the sky was blue, and Harry Hines Boulevard was lacking the usual crowd of prostitutes looking for a John. That's right- we almost had our wedding in the midst of Hooker Central at the Wyndham Anatole. It's a great hotel, but not such a nice part of town. I'm glad we didn't do it there, even if the hotel did boast the largest piece of Wedgewood in the world. Really, who cares? Oooh, its a big freaking piece of china. Well, the ballroom was pretty at least. The hotel was much too convention center-esque for my taste. This would be great for our guests who wanted to drop by the Annual Meeting of the Society for Medical Conditions only Lauren and Dwight Can Pronounce on their way to the wedding, and I imagine we might actually have lost Lauren and my dad to one of those, but not so nice, so the Wyndham was nixed.
Then came the Fairmont. Ah, the Fairmont. Yeah, we didn't even make it to the property before they told us they don't like our kind (that is, our last name was not Bush or Perot). So much for that one.
We also looked at the Adolphus. This one would have been great, except that it was where I had my high school prom. While I probably could have gotten past this, we just ended up dropping it because around this time, Kenny and I had an idea that almost caused Armaggedon (Armaggedon being Kenny and I eloping, but in our parents' eyes, the END OF THE WORLD!!!!). We decided to do the wedding in Austin. Oh yeah. Bring it on.
So we found a great place in Austin called Laguna Gloria. It was, and still is, the most beautiful outdoor space I have ever seen. I will have a party there one day. I will. And it will be fabulous.
Anyway, along the way of our Metroplex hotel hunt, we found this Kosher caterer in Dallas who was going to do the catereing at whatever hotel we found up there. He will be referred to as "He Who Shall Not Be Named." He Who Shall Not Be Named told us he'd come to Austin and do our wedding here, so no need to find another caterer. Yay! Or so we thought...
As with other evil characters throughout history, He Who Shall Not Be Named dangled a tempting offer before us: "I will cater your wedding, providing a cocktail hour with appetizers and a three course seated dinner." So we hunted around town for a hotel that would allow an outside caterer to come in. This was not an easy task, as most hotels have their own in house people and therefore won't let someone else in. Or perhaps they could sense the evil of He Who Shall Not Be Named...If I had only had a disfiguring scar that would have alerted me to his true nature, things might have been different.
Before we knew of He Who Shall Not Be Named's bad inclinations, we were told by the Four Seasons here in Austin that they could provide a Kosher wedding for us. Wow! But oh no! He Who Shall Not Be Named had already sunk his claws into us and had begun to feed on our souls... Anyway, we felt we had made a commitment to He Who Shall Not Be Named, so we told the FS 'no,' much to our dismay.
Then came a wonderful, but at the time aggravating, moment. He Who Shall Not Be Named sent us the contract. It was one page, and did not contain a price. As a lawyer, let me just say "wow." I've kept it on hand just in case I ever want a really quick 'out' of my job- I'll just hand that sucker over to our client and pass it off as my work product. I'd get fired pretty quick, and thus would end my legal career in Texas.
So Kenny and I tried and tried, for months on end, to get a better contract from He Who Shall Not Be Named. Or at least something that was two pages. The closest we got was an actual price per head, but it was so low we figured there were lots of add-ons that he wasn't including, and still no real terms in the contract. We felt it was time to defeat and crush He Who Shall Not Be Named with the purity and goodness that was the Four Seasons. And we did. Until the Four Seasons told us they looked into it and decided they couldn't do a kosher wedding either. Too difficult, too involved. AGGGHHHH!
A fun thing that occurred sometime after we decided to go with the Four Seasons but before they told us they couldn't do it was that we fired He Who Shall Not Be Named. We spoke with his assistant, who should be called She Who Is Without Brain, and she was really shocked that we were cancelling. Really, when someone doesn't call us back for three months and won't send a real contract, what should she expect? A freaking party in her honor? Jeez.
...To Be Continued
posted by Cindy at 11:55 AM
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